Analog Hors d'oeuvre, usually made from cheese and covered with crushed nuts.
ASCII The last name of a well-known English comedian, popular in the late '40s-'60s.
Assembly Language Profanities used by people who build computers from kits. Such people are known as 'cursors' (see below).
Back-up Current data errors that have been saved for future use. See Database Back-up or File Back-up.
Binary Possessing the ability to have friends of both sexes.
Bit 12 1/2 cents ($.125); A word used to describe computers, as in "Our son's computer cost quite a bit."
Boot What your friends give you because you spend too much time bragging about your computer skills.
Buffer Programmer who works in the nude.
Bug 1. A parasite that infests software. It is transmitted by illicit congress between people and programs.
2. What your eyes do after you stare at the tiny green computer screen for more than 15 minutes.
3. What computer magazine companies do to you after they get your name on their mailing list.
Byte Painful wound inflicted by dogs, snakes, children etc.
Chips The fattening, non-nutritional food computer users eat to avoid having to leave their keyboards for meals.
Coding An addictive drug.
Compile A heap of decomposing vegetable matter.
Computer A device used to speed and automate errors.
Copy What you have to do during school tests because you spend too much time at the computer and not enough time studying.
Control Character Any person who has money to spend for any reason.
Core The remains of an Apple when all the bytes are gone.
Crash A Normal Termination.
Cursor 1. An expert in four-letter words.
2. What you turn into when you can't get your computer to perform, as in "You $#% computer!"
Database A special medium used to store errors, so that they can be processed and printed many times by the computer system. Sometimes called Input File or Data file.
Data Processing An arcane fortune-telling method wherein one attempts to extract hidden meanings from numbers. Akin to numerology.
Debugging Activities necessary to remove insects from any area where they are not wanted.
Disk What goes out in your back after bending over a computer keyboard for seven hours at a clip.
Disk Drive Hardware part where errors are loaded from diskettes.
Diskette A mobile accessory to store and transfer errors.
Downtime Periods when a computer is acutely depressed and refuses to work.
Dump The place all your former hobbies wind up soon after you install your computer.
Error 1. The act of buying a computer.
2. The normal result of running a computer system.
Expansion Unit The new room you have to build on to your home to house your computer and all its peripherals.
File What your secretary can now do to her nails six and a half hours a day, now that the computer does her day's work in 30 minutes.
Floppy The condition of a constant computer user's stomach due to lack of exercise and a steady diet of junk food (see Chips").
Hardcoded Computer program code that has been allowed to dry.
Hard Disk Storage area for the most frequently used errors.
Hardware 1. Boots, leather, studs, spikes etc.
2. The parts of a computer which can be kicked; 3.Tools, such as lawnmowers, rakes and other heavy equipment you haven't laid a finger on since getting your computer.
Hexadecimal To bewitch a number.
IBM The kind of missile your family members and friends would like to drop on your computer so you'll pay attention to them again.
Input See Throughput
Keyboard An instrument used for entering errors into the system quickly.
Keypunch Device that puts the little round holes in the tops of keys.
Line Printer The device that puts the thin blue streaks across your notebook paper.
Logic Orderly path always followed by programs & errors.
Loop See Loop.
Maintenance Activities necessary to ensure that the system continues to produce errors and delay work efficiently.
Menu What you'll never see again after buying a computer because you'll be too poor to eat in a restaurant.
Monitor Often thought to be a word associated with computers, this word actually refers to those obnoxious kids who always want to see your hall pass at school.
Mouse 1. A small furry animal; Fond of analogs (see above)
2. A device which allows easier & speedier access to errors.
Never-Never Land 1. Place where no one grows up.
2. Place where programs love to go. Sometimes also called the Twilight Zone.
Output See Input.
Password The nonsense word taped to your terminal.
Peripheral Irrelevant.
Printer A device that prints computer errors on paper.
Ram A male sheep.
Real Time Whenever the computer isn't hallucinating.
Reboot To repeatedly kick a faulty computer until it starts to work again.
Reset A button on the computer which makes a program's trip to Never-Never Land easier. The only way of temporarily avoiding errors.
Return What lots of people do with their computers after only a week and a half.
Rom 1. A Ram after a delicate operation.
2. What programs do in Never-Never Land.
Screen The part of the computer where errors are usually seen for the first time. Also the part programmers most love to break. The most ingenious feature of the Screen is the OFF switch.
Security A feature of computer system access which helps prevent mis-use (or proper use) of the system.
Software 1. Silk nighties, nylons, teddies etc.
2. Parts of computer that cannot be kicked.
Sometime Those occasions when a computer error message can be interpreted and understood.
Table-Lookup A piece of furniture that has been attached to the ceiling.
Terminal 1. A computer about to die.
2. A place where you can find buses, trains and really good deals on hot computers. Throughput See Output.
Turbo A mode in which the computer compiles errors faster. May sometimes help programs to reach Never-Never Land.
Uptime The time in which a computer works & produces errors quickly and efficiently.
Window What you heave the computer out of after you accidentally erase a program that took you three days to set up.
